Once Upon A Time In The Empire

Get Wrecked

So Murk stayed in the bar, played a game of cards
He was up 40 silver, and ignoring the creepy bard

Another player, a bookie, liked the way he rolled
Hey Dwarf, he said, do you wanna make some real gold?

Downstairs the little fighting pit was just getting started
Dogs getting diced, and fighters getting fainthearted

Nevermind betting, I‘ll fight, sign me up as “Grail”
Rather than, you know, taking them all to jail

Unfortunately Ariana took Murk’s spot in line
If she’s so keen to fight then go on, let her, fine

Murk found the bookie, and put two down on the Elf.
When Ariana got sliced, he put another four on himself

She gave as good as she got, which was a good amount
But even with help from the mezzanine, she was soon down for the count

No eyes saw Murk enter the pit. “Graille” was a surprise contender
The Rat Ogre however was definitely no pretender

To his surprise, Murk learnt you can’t one shot a Clan Moulder beast
Even half starved and twice arrowed, stay one yard back at least

Still, Ariana was rescued, albeit begrudgingly, by Murk
Then they both needed rescuing by the poor brave clerk

No one saved him though, he shouted and screamed to no avail
Everyone else was upstairs. Bumbo Weiss was telling a tall tale.

Finally the party used the privy, and crashed the party below
Pity really, everyone agreed it’d been a really good show

The real slim shallyan stood up and manifested a shining dove
Allowing Arminius to ganendorf the rat ogre from above

Shaking off being used as a flail, Murk chased down his coin,
Ariana woke up too and the halfling took an arrow to the groin

Now, Lucas Hazleman wants a public burning, Bumbo is against it
And the Bard’s got new contacts, there’s something wrong, can’t you sense it?

Rumble in the Ramshacks
Our heroes check under the deck

The fish men came for their fish priest,
to pay him back in kind for his seafood feast
When you watch tentacles burst forth from your own flesh
You know revenge is a dish best served fresh,

He took away their humanity, his death would be their honours
Although they weren’t quite prepared for his newfound sponsors
They met a party of five on a mission, administering him some care.
A party of five WITCHHUNTERS. Well that hardly seems fair.

Kvothe flamed on. He was not about to be killed by calamari
Each blast of magical fire put another prawn on the barby
Arminius sliced and diced, for the Empire, and for fun
Learning the simple pleasure of turning mutants into chum

Graille took the priests punishment for him, and could only ask for more
He kept his grip on Herr Hect, playing priest tug of war
Murk had found a stein and barely registered the approaching peril
He simply held down his trigger. Like fish in a barrel.

Ariana arrived just in time to reel it in, but couldn’t get into the brig
The mutant bouncer blocking the way was, I swear, THIS big
The patrons hadn’t come for the freaks, and wouldn’t stay for the food
When there’s blood in the water, getting out is perhaps considered shrewd

The tavernkeep just took cover, repeating “we don’t want no trouble”,
He hid behind the bar surreptitiously pouring himself doubles
A bard played Greensleaves, while the waiters prayed
Ariana suffered pincer attacks but the Dwarf pegged her a Gatorade

Still the creatures managed to wrest the Priest of Mannan outside
They dragged him overboard and unfortunately it was… high tide.
His screams bubbled up as he was pulled down to meet Davey Jones
With the weight of the mutant upon him he sank like a stone

Graille curried favour for his salvation, and there was a light in the dark
Herr Hecht began to glow beneath the waves, so the party disembarked.
Diving after the monstrous creature and cutting off his tentacle limb.
Fortunately after Geheimsnacht most of the party can now more or less swim.

With nearly every mutant dead or dying, bar one, the one that got away.
They rescued the drunk, justly paranoid priest just before he was filléted.
They took stock of the bar, and, well, look, it was already a wreck.
Witchhunter business everyone! Nothing to see here! Might want to scrub the deck.

So how many taverns have been totalled by the party? There’ve been so many bar room fights.
Mansions and Memories? It should be called Inns and Amnesia, am I right?
The Brimstone Club, The Red Moon, Rugger’s Boarding House, A Billion Hens, Twin Anvils, The Hub and now The Drowned Sorrows,
There is an insurance salesman out there somewhere who’s brow is thoroughly furrowed

Anyway the party leaves Murk to his drink and pulls the Priest from the water’s edge
To ask, how exactly, in the year 2517, can a river be dredged?
Unhelpful and afraid, bleeding everywhere, and also still drunk.
Herr Hecht wailed and moaned. Perhaps understandably, he was in quite a funk.
Ariana realised she left something back at the tavern, tsk, just completely forgot!
I’ve heard that “forgetting stuff” has been being going around recently, believe it or not.
She slips away, they forge on ahead, to find a sanctuary for their ship-shocked cleric.
They could literally put him up in a hotel room. But nah that’s too generic.

The Church of Sigmar! The safest place! You know the party should really drop in more.
The sound of the hymns nicely compliments the screams from the town hall next door.
The market square presents quite a scene. All the scribes have closed up shop.
Not for lack of business clearly. The square’s littered by lost souls dismayed with the work stop.

Can you read? What does mine say? What do I need to recall?
The scribes just left! I don’t know where my son is! Can you read this scrawl?
As one the crowd turn on Graille as they realise he can read and write
Another mystery to solve! They dumped the Herr Hecht with the Sigmarites

The Priest of Sigmar, Herman, was accommodating if a bit obsequious
They were invited in for psalms but, right now, with everything, it sounded a bit tedious.
Graille did some drive by consoling and got the desperate ones to calm down
They hopped to, hot on the trail, direction: vaaaaguely uptown

The docks, check there for the scribes. Maybe they’re trying to leg it.
They pass by Crazy Hassans! Have I got a deal for you? Not now? Oh your pardon, I beg it.
The docks hold only Cedric on the Greedy Bitch. Have you seen George, his second mate?
He went into town, supposed to be back by now, he was delivering the last of the freight.

Meanwhile! Ariana had returned to the Inn, back on the hunt for Clerk Weigal,
Someone was watching her, but it might just have been a seagull.
No sign of Murk so actually, it’s probably just him.
Ariana asked around for the Clerk and got only blank grins.

The barkeep was helpful enough when she reminded him of her hat.
He seemed overly interested and joined Ariana and the clerk for their “chat”
Ariana asked to see the manager and he sent back an invitation for her.
Something was definitely fishy, and it wasn’t the pile of dead guys in the corner.

Bumbo Weiss, an imposing figure, was the proprietor of this joint.
He flattered Ariana’s martial prowess, and asked if she’d help him make a point.
He promised answers, it’s just this pit fighter, they say he can’t be slain by any man.
Well never send a man to do a lady Elf’s job. Kill him, and Bumbo will tell you what he can.

Psh. Easy. Arriana flipped into the arena and probably struck a pose.
Two arrows felled him. This is not her first rodeo, and it shows.
Bumbo Weiss then called down, hailing congratulations, the crowd roared the same
However, new challengers must also fight “The Beast”. I swear it’s only a stage name.

A gate was creaked open, and a huge rat emerged into the torch light
One eyed, hideous, half starved. Even on Skaven terms he was a pitiful sight
No less dangerous though, suicide to fight it one on one by yourself.
So clerk Weigal was duly dumped in aswell. He can do sums to help the elf!

Curses! So it was all just a ploy to get Ariana into the pit!
Oh to be so easily duped! If Murk were here he’d have a fit!
Neither the rat ogre nor Ariana were in a good state.
This was going to be a close run thing. Her life was up to fate.

She ducked and weaved, spat arrows and made for door number three.
She chose right and found a bucket of Schlaff tied to a rope that would lead to safety.
But as she climbed, at the last minute the Rat Ogre reached her with his vicious claws
They sliced deep into her flesh and poor Arriana crashed to the floor

And one bone chilling, terrifying thought might have occurred to her
before dropping into unconsciousness, but after being ripped down from the rope

She’s all alone, defenceless, bleeding out, in the filthy wet pit of a human city
Murk Dwemer is her only hope.

In a Town Lit Green By Moonlight

The unnatural moon casts its light on the doomed town of Auerswald
Everything is sick and green and dark. Chaos cannot be controlled.
But the Witchhunters will try, says Hazleman, this town must be saved
You will face more darkness here, but darkness must be braved.

Garen Eich, his quarry, is still unaccounted for since the recent strife
The moon’s effects may be tangible, and the red pox is rife
The Shallyan hospice, well you’ll see why they haven’t been able to give much aid
And to top it off the garrison is on strike, they won’t die unless paid

The town is overcrowded and in ruins and in the midst of a crime spree
People are either homeless, starving or diseased, but mostly all three
They flock to shanty towns that have sprung up in the burnt and flooded sprawl
And the rat creatures are here somewhere, waiting, watching and behind it all

The party conferred with each other, how best to start the first day
The captain of the guard was very helpful enough to show you the way.
Hazleman left you, to go demand money from the Merchants guild
Coin is the fastest way to see the town purged and healed and starting to rebuild.

Kvothe visited the Brimstone club, and the bartender told Murk to get hopping
Arminius and Graille considered haircuts from the Barber-Surgeon while the elf went shopping.
Finally they set off to examine the sisters of mercy, to see what did transpire
The diagnosis was bad though, and the only prescription was fire

While Murk went to the club for strong liquor and a lass (not for a rave)
Arminius checked on the Temple of Morr and found it quiet as the grave
His stroll back to the others was interrupted by a heavily pregnant mugger
Starving and shiving, he wasn’t sure whether to hug her or slugg’ er

So while a harsh lesson was taught about pre-natal mood swings
Murk returned with all the spirits in the bar and a side of hot wings
Some masked men shot at him and he dropped a building on them in return
Give the dwarf his rum, another lesson swiftly learned.

So the Shallyan Hospice is cinders now, just another husk in the ashen part of town
Burning the sisters alive is a deed the party may find hard to live down
But Graille is proof the red pox is not vanquished, the party grows nervous with each sneeze
However that didn’t stop Murk from executing a guard for having the very same disease

The mad dwarf was found in the temple of Verena, blind and madder still
Someone had tied him up, stabbed him, and left him to catch a chill
The party took him to the refinery, gave him to the care of his kind.
They garrison is clearly not safe, and “Honeydew” needs somewhere to unwind

Kvothe and Graille visited the creaking ramshackle Temple of Mannan.
They found a salt of the sea parishioner, who wasn’t the priest’s biggest fan
He clammed up fast and bolted when he saw the hats they wore.
Powering through Kvothe’s fireballs, the seared fish made it out the door

Steward Schlimm was wonderfully generous when they visited the silver chalice
While Lord Falkenhayn begged a favour, Lady Julbach stared with malice
They’ve got a big ol mansion to fill now, the Graff’s steward seems on the level
Plus a good chunk of silver promised to them, getting money is always the devil

The party throw their weight and hats around, using the Witchhunter mantle erroneously
They demand room and board, so Aldric the scribe is woken quite unceremoniously
Bought a drink as an apology, apparently the scribes are doing a roaring trade.
Everyone wants reminders written and read; people’s memories are want to fade.

No, nothing of interest really, just letters and memos, oh well, since you kept asking.
Here’s a creepy little note I was asked to write, quite sad, about a boys passing
The name echoes in your mind as you take the stairs to bed
The fate of Lars the farm boy and the “Angel” outside his window fills you with dread.

“Der Grobman”, the boogeyman, does the phrase mean anything to you?

That was day one. Ready for day two?

The Siege

The so far unnamed party caught a ride from Hornlach
With their carriage in ruins they needed a fall back
Fortunately a river barge arrived to complete their commute
The greedy bitch with first mate Kessler and his crew of ill repute
They made good speed after he cried “all aboard”
And they arrived in Auerswald in the dead of night, nothing untoward.

Edwin the Dockkeeper begrudged the imposition
That you snuck through the quarantine raised his suspicion
An ominous omen was encountered in the predawn light
You crossed the path of a dead man, giving you quite a fright
Morrslieb is there too, bathing everything in green
The ritual had many consequences that were unforeseen

Refugees in the ruins, the town burnt black by fire
The dwarf climbed a clock tower, his fall was quite dire
The bridge is out, the weathers too hot
A few too many homeless covered in red spots
Shops barred up, Crazy Hassan wasn’t even there to sell a potion
And ahead in the market square there was quite a commotion

There Rupert Julbach caught a short drop and a quick stop
Proving in this town Lucas Hazleman is the dog on top
He read the letter, but had more urgent matters to attend to
Missing carriages, unconscious dwarfs, the crowd making a hullabaloo
can all take a back seat, the army outside the gate needed addressing
The sound of catapults being constructed is always most distressing
Lucas decided to swear you into his inquisition, right then and there,
Blessing you with purpose, your armaments are your prayer
He gave you bandoliers, and some very swish hats
You must dress in style when on the hunt for rats
With the letter delivered with great and public aplomb
You’re now merciless killers in black, ready for a pogrom

But in the forest Magdelena Hundenfeur stared Lucas Hazleman down
Not his rank, not his orders, nor their history would let her spare this town
One week she gave you, to see this blight destroyed
Or else the barrels of pitch she brought down will be deployed
The situation is bleak, in Warhammer its always grim dark and grungy
That’s when you feel the ground shake, someone must have said “Jumanji”

Out Of The Woods

Two roads diverge in the Emperor’s wood
And signs can be so easily misunderstood

When the road split, the Shallyan was at the reigns
Perched precariously on what little carriage remains

North lay Grünberg city, Graille’s home
Rest and care beneath a Cathedral’s dome

A swift ship perhaps to bear them upriver
Along with the letter they’re tasked to deliver

South the path was overgrown, less used
Hard going for a coach so thoroughly abused

The party’s just as wrecked, in no better shape
The fight with the Elves was quite a scrape

Apparently they were here for the dwarf
But there’s no guarantee he’ll be safe in Kleindorf

Last anyone was there, the place was in need of aid
Villagers abducted, and sickness had breached its palisade

Franz Beiber might be there, perhaps a hot meal
Though Grünberg will be more likely to help you heal

North is Sanctuary, but south their destination
Which route to take needs some contemplation

Sometimes to go forward you must go back
It’s faster to Auerswald by barge than it is by dirt track

The Shallyan has a hippocratic oath to uphold
and most of his friends are thoroughly out cold

So what will they say when they awaken
only to find he chose the road less taken.

Friends of Yours?
Our heroes meet Arianna's associate.

An Elf, a Dwarf, Two Wizards, a Priest and Lawman walk into a bar.
Some Dickhead named Ambrose hurls abuse before they get very far
A fight breaks out and someone miscasts a spell.
The band mutates into monsters, but hey, they’re playing very well.
But these hard motherfuckers aren’t putting up with this lout.
Ariana flips a table and they rock on out.

Niklas “Adjunt to the The Grand Archivist” Schulman apologises for his pretension
But, please, you gotta find his master’s missing invention.
The Arcane Orrery is potent and dangerous. It grants the power to predict.
And the Librarian’s gone absolutely mental ever since it was nicked.
It’s already in the wrong hands. But you were the last ones to see it.
And if anyone finds out it is all his fault, he’ll be fucked lickety split.

Niklas is quite stressed from the way it sounds.
Plus this thingy he wants is probably worth a shit ton o’ Crowns.
They’re heading back that way anway, so they answer in the affirmative
The poor sap looked so desperate the party saw no alternative
Besides it gives you an excuse; that thing that last had it is probably worth paying a visit.
Oh, that’s not the same creature that abducted you and orchestrated a mass ritual slaying, is it?

They set off from Altdorf with a purpose, they’ve got a Dwarf to escort
He’s got humours of the brain, and a whole lot of gear to transport.
Knows his way around a doorknob though, so that might come in handy.
When they left Auerswald last it did not look bright and dandy.
Definitely a fixer upper, the docks where decimated and the slums where toast
A lot of people died on Geheimisnacht, leaving a lot of ghosts.
The Skaven’s giant Ritual brought a city to its knees
Oh yeah and the hospice had some ‘ish’ with a vomit zombie disease?

Anyway, the town’s gonna need some work when you get back.
Best to hurry, the dwarf is a VIP, so don’t let yourselves get sidetracked.
For some reason you’ve been entrusted with a cladestine mission,
Either Lucas Hazleman vouched for you, or the General has shit intuition.
Keep the dwarf safe, and deliver the Witch Hunter General’s letter.
Forced to travel by carriage, a river barge would have been better

The Party got out of Altdorf safely, the designated “Danger Zone”
Still they stood watch, shot at scarecrows and prepared for enemies unknown.
But beyond the walls of the cities, past the farms, hamlets and abbeys with rosy cheeked ministers
Is the forest. Huge. Ancient. Foreboding. Dark. And Sinister.
All these lands may belong to the Emperor, upon whom his citizens depend
But if you ever go past the forest’s edge you’ll find the Empire ends.
The sun may be shining but in the dark shade it is cold.
And it’s a very long winding road to get to Auerswald.

Doomed In Altdorf
There will be a reckoning.


Graille, Kvothe, Murk, Arminius and Arianna are in Altdorf, the seat of Power for the entire Empire.
They’ve just learnt the future holds a shit creek and a canoe of barbed wire.

But before they can deal with the future, they’ve gotta tidy up the past.
Wizard Niklas Schulman dangles a well paid assignment, no questions asked.

But the capital is dangerous. Lives cost only a silver crown, and not a thing is free.
This is not a city to linger in for long. That said; shopping spree?

Meantime, Graille is led into the Sanitorium of Mercy, a place no one ever leaves.
While the others meet with the Witchhunter General under the Emperial Palace eaves.

Soon they must go back to where it all began on that fateful Geheimisnact.
In itself a simple journey, which might still prove nigh impossible to enact.

What awaits the heroes, in the ruined town of Auerswald?
The Skaven’s plans aren’t done there, they were only forestalled.

What did their ritual power? What did it Summon?
Whats this tune going round that everyone keeps hummin’?

The buildings are burnt husks, and there are boats in the streets.
Professor Eich asked Murk to find his son Garen, that task is incomplete.

And somewhere in the tumbledown city is the inscrutable Steffan Hell.
Whatever his angle, wherever there’s chaos he seems to excel.

Oh, and there’s something else, something no-ones noticed, and it is nothing good.
Outside Auerswald, far from any paths. There’s a tree that wasn’t there before. In the dark dark wood.

Their destiny’s are intertwined. They’ve been shown their doom.
Never the less, stiff upper lip, let the adventures resume!

For they’re motherfucking badass. They won’t take death lying down.
The boys (ahem, and lady) are back.

“The Grand Archivist” goes a little nuts and begins proselytising their deaths. Of course being curious about the manner of their demise, the Heroes gaze into the Archivists Chrystal Ball and witness their own doom. With the archivist going mental in the background, they get ushered out by Niklas Schulman.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Oh look, more people are dead in Ubersreik
The Party has some explaining to do.
Did they find the leads they seek?
or are they up shit creek without a clue?

Delivered to Darkness.

Graille, Arminius, Murk, Kvothe and Ariana
These names hang from Aschaffenberg’s Mansion on a blue and gold banner.

Many men died that night, the city suffered a great loss
These five went into the sewers, and kicked the shit out of Chaos.

With the “beastman” threat vanquished, and Morrslieb on the wane.
They’ll never need to pay for a bowl of gruel in this town again.

But there’s no time to savor the victory, no time for merriment or mirth,
The dead litter the streets, and some streets sank into the earth

Since rescue efforts began, the body count has tripled
Half the town council is dead, and the military is crippled

The Priests of Morr are about, performing funeral rights and adding to the dread
The Shallyans are run of their feet just trying to keep the injured fed

Mutated Citizens are sprouting up all over town
Commander Pfeffer can never hunt them all down.

Flaggellants proselytize the attack as a sign the end times are near.
Witchhunters are on the prowl, which isn’t helping the fear

Suspected Skaven collaborators are being rounded up and shot.
The screams from the Chapter house tell us they all confess once caught_

Our heroes no doubt have questions of their own
Now that there’s a power vaccum, will Rickard take the throne?

Have they really spent three years chasing that Greyseer Rat?
Also Holy Shit, Kvothe has no arm, what are they gonna do about that?

There are mysteries that still need answering, the puzzle is not complete.
Perhaps another trip down memory lane will give them the answers they seek

Although maybe that’s a problem that, for now, should be put on the shelf.
More pressing is the question: Where the hell is the Elf?

Also, what happened to Graille? Did he rescue the girl proving his true grit?
Or did she die and is he now in a pit of suicidal despondency because the world’s so shit.

The Heroes of Grunewald Lodge, the heroes of Ubersreik.
They seem to possess a hardiness that is in someways unique

Their strength will be tested again, soon they’ll head back into the fray
Something gives them the impression a storm is on it’s way.

But they’re grasping for tomorrow, because today was recently seized
Their wounds are on the mend, and not ALL of them are diseased

They’re ready, they’re willing, gonna take the Old World by force.
Once they’ve done a little shopping of course.

But take heed, dear readers,
the heroes have come accustomed to winning.
Little do they know,
this was only the beginning.


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